Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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