Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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