I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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