She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
how does that bad decision feel?
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