i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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