I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
