Do you still have your period?
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
