i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
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