I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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