What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
