sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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