I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
