Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
