you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
