You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize