I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
