at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
