you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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