Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
