you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
