Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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