My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
