nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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