I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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