So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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