Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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