Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Randomize
