There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Randomize
