I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
