dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
