I met the friendliest cop last night
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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