I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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