I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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