when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?�
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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