she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
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