the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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