It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
