Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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