im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
