I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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