life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
