the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
