God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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