Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I accidentally had phone sex last night
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
please come you make the beer taste better
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
