i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
