my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Randomize
