Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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