Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
