xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
