i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
